totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
