We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize