I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
