It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
