I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
