Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
