Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
