Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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