So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
