Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
there is glitter all over my balls
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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