my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
