i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
