Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
