Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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