the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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