i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
