got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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