When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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