I'm so fucking centered right now
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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