My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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