I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
