Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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