I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
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