Got a toothbrush?
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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