I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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