I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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