Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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