Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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