Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
