turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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