This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize