your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
