I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
how do you play pong handcuffed?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
