I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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