I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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