My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
