please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
