the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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