did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
