I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
