My underwear smells like fireworks.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
