He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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