Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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