i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
