dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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