FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
