I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
