Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
