I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
