I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
This baby is an asshole
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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