if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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