I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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