I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
