Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Success! We fucked roommates!
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