I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
