So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
