it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
