then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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