i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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