yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
